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Chapter One! Live!
Last Post 23 Apr 2009 05:52 PM by upthrustie. 16 Replies.
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Ron MilesUser is Offline
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11 Apr 2009 08:56 PM  
Oh, it's *so* good.  Looking forward to hearing everyone's response.
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11 Apr 2009 11:16 PM  
Mr. Rind to Ground Control

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do

BKSFLDR8RMANUser is Offline
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11 Apr 2009 11:26 PM  
Read it and liked it.Leaves me wanting more.
BAR0426User is Offline
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12 Apr 2009 12:06 AM  

Ok after digesting now for the constructive feedback...

I have more questions than intrigue in Chapter 1.  What happened to the students, the ones that didn't make it as far as the "van" experiment - what happened to the bodies did they buried somewhere;  and when the cops found these folks huddled in the van with electrodes protruding from all over? (I'm a volunteer Citizen's Patrol so this would have been an interesting discovery!)  And how does an Econoline hold a half ton of weight

With Mr. Desipio's "breast obsession" there wasn't even a description of Miss Vicky's upthrusties.  I envisioned she was braless

I'm hoping to read more about how/why Mr. Rind was transported and more on "the brain".

 

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12 Apr 2009 10:19 AM  
Posted By BAR0426 on 12 Apr 2009 12:06 AM

Ok after digesting now for the constructive feedback...

I have more questions than intrigue in Chapter 1.  What happened to the students, the ones that didn't make it as far as the "van" experiment - what happened to the bodies did they buried somewhere;  and when the cops found these folks huddled in the van with electrodes protruding from all over? (I'm a volunteer Citizen's Patrol so this would have been an interesting discovery!)  And how does an Econoline hold a half ton of weight

With Mr. Desipio's "breast obsession" there wasn't even a description of Miss Vicky's upthrusties.  I envisioned she was braless

I'm hoping to read more about how/why Mr. Rind was transported and more on "the brain".

 

Wow, BAR0426. Thanks for the comments. Very helpful.

The Ford Econoline 350 (built during the late 70's/early 80's time period) has a one-ton capacity. Would the model number help clarify?

The detail of what happened after the Hayward Fault incident traffic stop is missing from the original manuscript. I assume DD wanted to leave it to readers’ imaginations, or felt it would distract and slow down the flow.

My guess is this: after the students were “freed,” and Rind frisked and cuffed, cops on-scene would try to verify his story (he’s a scientist doing important research) by calling Cal’s earth science department and speaking to its chairman, who of course would know nothing about it. The chairman would confirm that Rind was a professor in order to put a lid on the incident, but now Rind’s become a public embarrassment who could damage the reputations of the department and the university. Rind would be cited by police for erratic driving and released. Does that detail need to be added?

Don’t understand—what "bodies"? None of Rind's previous grad student guinea pigs died in his experiments. He measured their reactions to external stimuli; he didn't perform experimental surgery on their brains. The brain surgery was done in the future by the creatures on the moon.

There is a big blotch of fungus on Page 17 of the original manuscript. Miss Vicky’s upthrusties may be hidden under it. Must take a peek.

This is the tip of the iceberg re: Dr. Rind and the brain. Is "romance" in the air?

Again thanks for your valuable input on the work-in-progress. Much appreciated.  Hope you keep reading.

AP
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12 Apr 2009 10:41 AM  

Thanks AP, I guess I read more into the line "The Hayward Fault incident had been the final straw. Frantic to gather more convincing hard data, Rind had rented an Econoline van and hired eight Cal undergrads as test subjects."  Thinking Rind must have had some subjects earlier on since he was frantic for "more"data.  And I stand corrected on the vehicle, I really don't know much about cars   This was just a fun "visual" for me since I work in the pharmaceutical industry and this reminded me of a futuristic Phase I investigational study gone "on the road" with no authoritative oversite.  You don't even want to know where my mind went with the Rind/ brain romance  Of course I will continue reading I'm a Defender of the Realms!

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13 Apr 2009 05:25 PM  
Oysters and licorice! Two of my favorite things--just not together. The great thing about chapter one is that it leaves the reader wanting more. What I loved about chapter one is that it engaged me as a reader and made me care about Dr. Rind and Miss Vicky. I'm not too concerned about the van. Bring on chapter two. I can't wait!
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13 Apr 2009 07:50 PM  
Posted By upthrustie on 13 Apr 2009 05:25 PM
Oysters and licorice! Two of my favorite things--just not together. The great thing about chapter one is that it leaves the reader wanting more. What I loved about chapter one is that it engaged me as a reader and made me care about Dr. Rind and Miss Vicky. I'm not too concerned about the van. Bring on chapter two. I can't wait!
Thanks, upthrustTIe! Glad you liked the story--if not the menu. Rest assured, Ch.2 goes to the meat (and veg) of the series.

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17 Apr 2009 08:14 AM  
On my graveyard shift now. Looking foward to reading chapter 2 tonight when I come into work
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17 Apr 2009 08:36 AM  
Posted By BKSFLDR8RMAN on 17 Apr 2009 08:14 AM
On my graveyard shift now. Looking foward to reading chapter 2 tonight when I come into work

Hey, BKSFLDR8RMAN,
Sorry, but there's been an unavoidable delay.  

Part of it is fungus-related (Ron is going to post some pics of the manuscript so you can see its condition--there's not only stuff growing on it, but "hand typed" means no spellcheck, and lots of cross-outs, illegible margin notes and corrections). 

Part of the delay is IRS-related (hard to edit and rewrite material when you're crying your eyes out). 

We're looking at a Monday or Tuesday posting of chapter 2.
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17 Apr 2009 11:06 AM  

I think DD may be trying to speak to us through the fungi!

The manuscript is like the Jumanji game as each page is turned the excitement is unleased, literally, and it takes the players, AP/RM, to successfully navigate through the adventure!  

Keep the restoration process stories coming

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17 Apr 2009 11:52 AM  
Posted By BAR0426 on 17 Apr 2009 11:06 AM

I think DD may be trying to speak to us through the fungi!

The manuscript is like the Jumanji game as each page is turned the excitement is unleased, literally, and it takes the players, AP/RM, to successfully navigate through the adventure!  

Keep the restoration process stories coming

You asked for it, BAR0426. And frankly, the news is somewhat disturbing.
 
Ron and I are beginning to suspect that DD may not have written the entire manuscript himself.  We are finding foreign words sprinkled into the text, and written along the margins--many of these words have been crossed out by someone. They appear to be slang, possibly Spanish or Portugese, or even Italian or Romanian, but neither of us has been able to find definitions in the online dictionaries/translation sites.

We are keeping a list of these words, and will post them at a later date to see if readers know what the heck they mean. Obviously, this could have a major impact on the final, corrected version of the Iroquois Vengeance manuscript.

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17 Apr 2009 01:16 PM  

I find this all very interesting.  In the PIs search was he able to interview the hotel owner and the locals.  Somebody knows something

The manuscript is in your capable hands and since you know DDs style the readers will accept your adaptation.

After reading about your sleep writing - you can get through anything!

Barb

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18 Apr 2009 01:24 AM  
Posted By AP on 17 Apr 2009 08:36 AM
Posted By BKSFLDR8RMAN on 17 Apr 2009 08:14 AM
On my graveyard shift now. Looking foward to reading chapter 2 tonight when I come into work

Hey, BKSFLDR8RMAN,
Sorry, but there's been an unavoidable delay.  

 

We're looking at a Monday or Tuesday posting of chapter 2.

I'm on my night shift until nexy Thursday.I can wait

BAR0426User is Offline
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23 Apr 2009 08:44 AM  
AP I hope you haven't skipped the country and gone back to Panama City to hide amongst the fungi to avoid the IRS.  Surely the mold would feed on your tears and cocoon you!!    While we are awaiting Chapter 2 would you consider a teaser?  Maybe you could jumble up a couple of the characters names that are about the be introduced and the readers have to figure out what the names are or simply a quick excerpt?
Ron MilesUser is Offline
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23 Apr 2009 09:07 AM  
Posted By BAR0426 on 23 Apr 2009 08:44 AM
Maybe you could jumble up a couple of the characters names that are about the be introduced and the readers have to figure out what the names are...

You have no idea how close to reality you are with that statement....

Tragically, Alan was slowed down this week (he sent me a doctor's note, something about inhaling mold spores or some such).  The good news is he assures me that he really, truly is almost done.  His exact words were, "If you can't leave 'em laughing, leave 'em knee deep in blood."

The current plan is to post at midnight tomorrow.  Then we will regroup and decide if we need to go with an every-other-week schedule, at least until he gets past the completely slimed chapters.
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upthrustieUser is Offline
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23 Apr 2009 05:52 PM  
Al! Ron!
I have cleared the decks in anticipation of reading Chapter Two. Surely enough crud has been cleared away to make the pages almost completely legible. Al! Just how long do you need? My limbs are shaking in excitement! I don't know how much more I can take. The suspense is killing me!!
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